benefit the world. discover the soul.

As I sit here in class and I wonder about what this day could turn out like, I think about they way I could live my life. Now bear with me with my random thoughts...

I could live a life where I was so happy and I knew when the next paycheck would come. I could have a house that I loved with kiddos running around with their neighborhood friends in a suburban community with a public water park only blocks away. I could find fulfillment in that. I could have a husband who worked 40 hours a week and came home to me and the kiddos every night at 5pm with dinner ready on the table and the Vikings..NO the Broncos game on in the living room. I could do that, no problem. But there is something burning up deep inside me that I know I am made for something more. I know that I have certain skills and gifts that God has given me that shouldn't go unused.

I found that when I went to India I found my soul. I found that I loved being there. I loved that I could learn Hindi, I loved that I was comfortable taking a city "auto" taxi across town. I loved those people. I loved that I could be a part of a ministry that reached out to kids. Discovering your soul takes pain, dirty work, challenges, change, hunger, tears but also laughter, joy, success, accomplishment, and a new love. I believe that India is just one of many places where I will discover my soul. I feel like in someway the team I was with benefited the world and through everything...we discovered our souls.

He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

[Psalm 37:6]

Our cause. Our call. Our lives benefit the world. Our souls. Our words. Our very existence was created to make a difference. I know I just don't want to sit here in class and make this day any ordinary day. I know that for a fact that everyday can possibly be different from the last.

My actions. My dreams. My passions. My desires. My life is all about discovering my soul. What I can do to benefit the world. All with Christ by my side and a passion in my heart.

joy..

Its finding the joy again when nothing seems to work.

Its finding passion again when everything hasnt worked.

Its knowing that the healing process is super messy and not fun, but totally worth it in the end.

joy:
the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying.

In the past joy has come so easily. I would find joy in the smallest things...from a little kid laughing to a zebra at the zoo. But because of so many "bigger" things that have happened in my life, the joy has seemed to disappear. I want it back. Im trying. I have people around me as a support system; either they are also trying to find their joy again or they understand because they have overcome this dry spell.

Its not like Im a unhappy person...goodness I laugh all the time. I just dont find joy in many things anymore. Its not like I am fake either. Its really hard to express...

I find the church revolting. I find that I judge the person who is at the pulpit..are they really who they are beyond the words they express on stage? Are they authentic? Ive come in contact with so many church leaders who are not who they really say they are. Ive been hurt by the church..as many of you have. I think that is where I lost my joy. There is this wall thats been built up and its so hard to climb over it. Its like I get just enough momentum to climb over it and then I fall.

Its a healing process to become satisfied again. The healing process isnt fun either. Its usually super messy and overwhelming and tons of prayer time..but in the end its totally worth the pain and humility.

I know I am somewhat in the wrong for not liking the church. I know I shouldnt judge the leaders...God has appointed them for a reason but I am real person and human. I dont do things right most of the time and I say things to quickly before reasoning.

There are steps I have made in the healing process.

1. Ive found a church where I feel authentic. Where I feel like the church isnt perfect but it still feels authentic.

2. Ive admitted that I dont find joy in the church.

3. I understand that God knows me and knows my challenges and will be there right alongside me through it all.

4. I have the body of Christ right at my finger tips to help me.

5. God has placed me in this time for a reason and his Word will sustain me...I will not fall.

And...maybe the person I am waiting on is myself...

compassion is nothing without hope.

The light in their eyes when they saw our team kept me going.

I miss their sweet laughs and beautiful smiles.

They blessed my life beyond words.

I cant get their faces out of my mind.

Their pictures are the only memories i have right now.

God loves them just as much as he loves you and i.

My life will never be the same.

Here are some of their beautiful faces:

26,000 children died yesterday.
145 million orphans waiting to be adopted.

We want to go deeper without applying anything.

Just existing isnt enough anymore.

"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion--to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They shall be called mighty oaks, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor."

Isaiah 61:1-3

These little children are heading to sleep right now in their makeshift homes..dreaming dreams of who they may want to be...their little bodies that God loves so much. I just cant forget them.

Chicago Airport

I'm in the Chicago airport and I love seeing the diversity of the people here. I have already heard so many languages from all different parts of the world. It just ceases to amaze me the beauty of cultures and people. God is so amazing.

As I was sitting in the waiting area at my gate I started to wonder what the rest of the world thinks about good 'ol America? We are so weird and self-centered sometimes. But then there are the chosen few like the lady at Starbucks who grabbed me a straw because I couldn't reach them or the army officer sitting across from me playing with his young daughter. There are the "true" Americans who make this country great.

Just being here in a place full of people makes me ready to be somewhere different. I really want to be with people all the time. I want to be around people that I have never met before.

I find people so interesting. They way their mannerisms are and who they are when they think that no one is watching. So I think that people watching is my new favorite thing...I'm sure my best friends and family can agree with that :). Hah I just saw the cutest kid ever on my plane to Arkansas! He had blonde curly hair. He smiled and looked at me...he had the most beautiful blue eyes. I remember another time when a different cute curly, blonde haired boy would smile at me...I am content though. I'm not ready for anyone else, I think I have too much self-discovery, traveling to far away places, and different kinds of coffee to experience in every country :) I love the independence for now. (ha, for now are the key words) Lord bring me comfort and joy and completeness!
Hah anyhoo..
kids are the cutest things. They bring a smile to my face on any down-day I have.

Holy Cow when I was in the air I could see everything on earth! I saw so many look-a-like homes and their circular outside blue pools dotting the landscape. It's interesting to see the American life-style from a different view. But I found the earth to be so beautiful from that angle. I think that it is hard for me sometimes to explain my great love for nature, Gods beauty and my love for Him. Goodness I want to see the seven wonders of the world. I want to experience and see first hand the waterfalls in the jungle, the snow-capped mountains found all over the world, and the small villages tucked away in a forgotten world. There seems to be so much to see and discover.

And as the plane glided into the abyss of clouds I quickly remembered how fragile our lives are and how important they should be to us. And up above the clouds I wondered how much farther up heaven was. (btw I think that throughout the whole writing of this message I incredibly annoyed the lady next to me :) )

Being up so high made me want to go skydiving!!

if only I could quickly learn how to drive a manual tranny...

family matters

Today was beautiful. There happened to be a beautiful sky out. There were birds chirping and bugs in our hair. Oh the bliss of summer :)

This has been the first day at home with great weather and to kick it off my youngest sister had a track meet. Man I was definitely going! Those sunrays and I needed to meet once again. (the countless rainy, cold, dingy days in Minneapolis were no more!!) But I have to tell you, this was not your ordinary track meet. This particular event was exclusively for Christian schools and homeschoolers....and you could tell the difference between the two. My family and I stuck out like a sore thumb too. We each had a starbucks coffee in hand, shorts on, we were loud, and I think we laughed more than any of the people there. I'm sure someone thought we were all crazy.

But who gives a rip.

Today my family meant so much to me. I realized just how dear and special they are to my heart and soul. They make my heart happy. Like today when my dad, sister and I went to pick up starbucks for all of us, my dad was so funny ordering the drinks. The drinks had to be correct. It just made chuckle. And when we were at the track meet, my parents were so involved in all of the events. They made sure the kids were at the right stations (and the right running lane!) They cheered them on even if they were dead last. It didn't matter to them either way. As I scanned the crowd and saw all of these families...I realized how blessed I was. I had great, loving, caring, funny, determined, Christian, real, authentic, wise, willing, supportive, amazing, gracious, coffee-crazed parents who would do anything for me. They would (and do) put their lives on the line just to see me learn and grow.

My dad and I had a conversation today on the ride home from the track meet. After I talk with my dad I always feel wiser and as if I know more. He and I were just talking about character and faithfulness and how true that needs to be in our lives. It just kind of hit me like a truck; at the end of the day it is my character and faith that matter. The actions that I have during the day make me who I am and it is my faith that keeps it all together. Faith imparts action and action imparts hope. Does that make sense? It's our faith without seeing but trusting that what we don't see will take us somewhere wonderful. It's like we take a chance with life and just believe that we didn't miss the mark. Just take everyday at a time.

But back to my family.

We had a great time at the track meet. We were also going to Montana today too so we had to get ready for that. But one thing about my family, we get so distracted so easily. I think that while we were packing we found things that we did not know we had and talked about them with one another. I remember my youngest sister having a giggle fest with herself in the living room and when I caught her giggling, it turned into a roaring laugh. You've got to love innocent hearts. My favorite part about packing up and heading out somewhere with my family are the remarks that are made to each other. The remarks are normally targeted towards the person who is the most sensitive at the time and/or who packed the most. Today it was Audrey (the middle, neglected, forgotten and whatever else she calls herself middle child) and my mom (I swear she packed up everything and the kitchen sink!). We usually laugh away every comment and silence out every bad one... Road trips with my family are a blast too. We usually find some odd radio station and jam out to it. Today it was some heavy, metal rock band gone really bad and we all loved it. I think my mom was head banging, my dad was trying to stay on the road because he was laughing so hard, and Anika (my youngest sister) was trying to videotape the whole thing. In the end, I think we had the greatest laughs because we all knew we were silly. It is the times and moments like these were I feel free and happy. I am with the people that I love the most, they know most everything about me, and I can be Annie-Laurie around them.

I love my beautiful, amazing, caring, loud, crazy, hilarious, normal, God-fearing, determined family.

I dont have enough time tonight because it is getting late and I have to get up tomorrow for a family gig but I want to write a whole blog about my family. Each one of them are so dear to me. They individually each bring something different to the family and to my life. So definitely expect that very soon.

the moments i wonder about the most..

This picture here makes me wonder...why in the heck is it snowing in May? I came back from college hoping for some sunshine and countless afternoons at the park. But today I work up to a cold bedroom and a foggy window. As I wiped away the frost from the window I realized that whatever I thought today was going to be like was thrown out the window. I guess that goes for every moment in life...not everything is what you picture it to be.

I woke up this morning with countless thoughts that have overwhelmed me the past few months. Thoughts that aren't the best to think about on a cloudy, snowy, wet day. Thoughts that don't make you feel like a better person because you think about them too much. Like, why did he really leave me? What is it about church politics that disgust me so much? Am I really ready for the 'real'-world? Is is ready for me? Will my dad find a job soon? Is my sister going to get married before me? Does weight really matter? Should it?
I wanted to take captive those thoughts, throw 'em to the ground, tell them they don't own me...and forget about them. So I woke up, listened to some jams and ate some strawberries and raisin bran for breakfast. mmmhmmm...

So instead of taking the day as a crappy day because of the dreary weather. I took a full stride forward and spent the afternoon with my mom at a coffee shop. We talked about life. Man I missed my mom while I was at college.

{skinny dulce de leche...blissfully delightful}

Here is where I am the most vulnerable.
I find that a cup of coffee helps me un-wind. It re-juvenates me and creates a atmosphere where I become everything that I want to be...right in that moment I let-go of everything inside of me. Coffee is soothing for my soul and mind. I really believe that coffee shops were created for individuals to express themselves. For people to sit down and un-wind from a long day or for them to get ready for a long day. Coffee shops remind people that there is simplicity in life.

Our conversation: My mom and I talked about church politics. How horrible they are and how detrimental they are to people who call themselves "Christians". How whatever people think is right or wrong is thrown out the window. My family and I were so hurt by the people at a church that we called 'home'. What a load of crap that is now. It's been 6 months since the whole ordeal started and I'd have to say that my family is pretty strong. My dad lost his job because of it. (you see he was the pastor of the church and a group of people hated him, so they stabbed him in the back and threw him out) It's taken months for me to forgive these people but believe it or not...most of the bitterness is gone. It's still hard to see those people and look them in the eye. It's still hard to hear them say things to my family like "you need to find God" or "the church did the right thing". What is right and wrong in this situation? Its crazy.
I loved talking to my mom though. She is so wise and so funny. She reminded me that God is blessing us and we are going to be fine. My family is going to be okay, that is all that matters right?

We moved into a new home. Across town from where we lived for 8 years. It's weird to think I will never live there again. So many memories there! But new beginnings are new steps into life experiences. Those new steps will take me places I have never been before. I am about to embark on a new aventure this summer...a new desire to travel and wander.
Apartment 10...my new abode.

Wanderlust.

So this is my first time blogging. I'm nervous because I don't know who will listen, who will read this or who will even really care. I found my inspiration to create one from other bloggers that I've followed over the past few months. I'm going to figure this out...make this interesting for you.


So just bear with me.






(These are my best friends. Without these beautiful, wonderful, amazing women in my life I would not be who I am today)


Before I leave off for the day I wanted to tell you why I chose the blogger name: wanderlust.
The words means: a strong, innate desire to rove or travel about. My whole life up to now has consisted of traveling. I find myself wanting to be somewhere different and beyond my wildest imagination. I want to travel the world. It is almost like a drug that I cannot get enough of. I find that I want to know about people, their lives, their cultures, their countries. This blog will be about the lives I come in contact with and the experiences I face.


This summer I am going to India for 4 weeks. So you can be sure I will be putting pictures up of those beautiful people and their stories.