joy..

Its finding the joy again when nothing seems to work.

Its finding passion again when everything hasnt worked.

Its knowing that the healing process is super messy and not fun, but totally worth it in the end.

joy:
the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying.

In the past joy has come so easily. I would find joy in the smallest things...from a little kid laughing to a zebra at the zoo. But because of so many "bigger" things that have happened in my life, the joy has seemed to disappear. I want it back. Im trying. I have people around me as a support system; either they are also trying to find their joy again or they understand because they have overcome this dry spell.

Its not like Im a unhappy person...goodness I laugh all the time. I just dont find joy in many things anymore. Its not like I am fake either. Its really hard to express...

I find the church revolting. I find that I judge the person who is at the pulpit..are they really who they are beyond the words they express on stage? Are they authentic? Ive come in contact with so many church leaders who are not who they really say they are. Ive been hurt by the church..as many of you have. I think that is where I lost my joy. There is this wall thats been built up and its so hard to climb over it. Its like I get just enough momentum to climb over it and then I fall.

Its a healing process to become satisfied again. The healing process isnt fun either. Its usually super messy and overwhelming and tons of prayer time..but in the end its totally worth the pain and humility.

I know I am somewhat in the wrong for not liking the church. I know I shouldnt judge the leaders...God has appointed them for a reason but I am real person and human. I dont do things right most of the time and I say things to quickly before reasoning.

There are steps I have made in the healing process.

1. Ive found a church where I feel authentic. Where I feel like the church isnt perfect but it still feels authentic.

2. Ive admitted that I dont find joy in the church.

3. I understand that God knows me and knows my challenges and will be there right alongside me through it all.

4. I have the body of Christ right at my finger tips to help me.

5. God has placed me in this time for a reason and his Word will sustain me...I will not fall.

And...maybe the person I am waiting on is myself...