joy..

Its finding the joy again when nothing seems to work.

Its finding passion again when everything hasnt worked.

Its knowing that the healing process is super messy and not fun, but totally worth it in the end.

joy:
the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying.

In the past joy has come so easily. I would find joy in the smallest things...from a little kid laughing to a zebra at the zoo. But because of so many "bigger" things that have happened in my life, the joy has seemed to disappear. I want it back. Im trying. I have people around me as a support system; either they are also trying to find their joy again or they understand because they have overcome this dry spell.

Its not like Im a unhappy person...goodness I laugh all the time. I just dont find joy in many things anymore. Its not like I am fake either. Its really hard to express...

I find the church revolting. I find that I judge the person who is at the pulpit..are they really who they are beyond the words they express on stage? Are they authentic? Ive come in contact with so many church leaders who are not who they really say they are. Ive been hurt by the church..as many of you have. I think that is where I lost my joy. There is this wall thats been built up and its so hard to climb over it. Its like I get just enough momentum to climb over it and then I fall.

Its a healing process to become satisfied again. The healing process isnt fun either. Its usually super messy and overwhelming and tons of prayer time..but in the end its totally worth the pain and humility.

I know I am somewhat in the wrong for not liking the church. I know I shouldnt judge the leaders...God has appointed them for a reason but I am real person and human. I dont do things right most of the time and I say things to quickly before reasoning.

There are steps I have made in the healing process.

1. Ive found a church where I feel authentic. Where I feel like the church isnt perfect but it still feels authentic.

2. Ive admitted that I dont find joy in the church.

3. I understand that God knows me and knows my challenges and will be there right alongside me through it all.

4. I have the body of Christ right at my finger tips to help me.

5. God has placed me in this time for a reason and his Word will sustain me...I will not fall.

And...maybe the person I am waiting on is myself...

compassion is nothing without hope.

The light in their eyes when they saw our team kept me going.

I miss their sweet laughs and beautiful smiles.

They blessed my life beyond words.

I cant get their faces out of my mind.

Their pictures are the only memories i have right now.

God loves them just as much as he loves you and i.

My life will never be the same.

Here are some of their beautiful faces:

26,000 children died yesterday.
145 million orphans waiting to be adopted.

We want to go deeper without applying anything.

Just existing isnt enough anymore.

"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion--to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They shall be called mighty oaks, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor."

Isaiah 61:1-3

These little children are heading to sleep right now in their makeshift homes..dreaming dreams of who they may want to be...their little bodies that God loves so much. I just cant forget them.